Hopefully, I've put these posts up in the right order. This is a continuation of "The C-word" post, which I'm sure none of you read just because of the title. lol! it seems weird to me, to have part two of the post come before part one, on the blog, so I did it this way. Of course, it might be confusing for anyone reading this, if anyone does, that I have them in this order. I don't suppose, in the grand scheme of things, it even matters.
My topic in these two posts, is mental illness. Specifically, my own struggle with bi-polar disorder. I'm actually a very private person by nature, but I am making a real effort to talk about my illness, to try and eliminate the stigma that still surrounds it. I know that these days, a lot of young people are comfortable discussing things like bi-polar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and OCD. Some even discuss having schizophrenia, although I think that illness is still rather misunderstood. I can't express how happy it makes me, that many of you are growing up in a world that has a better understanding of mental illness, and cognitive disorders. I have no idea how many kids I went to school with, who were suffering the way I was, and didn't know who to turn to, or how to get help.
As I said in my other post on this subject, I've struggled with severe bi-polar disorder my whole life. My childhood was a nightmare, and my teen years were an even bigger mess, because I began to self medicate with booze and drugs. I barely made it through high school, with a GPA of less than 2.0. Because high school was such a disaster, I decided to forget college, and just get a job. I enjoyed work, but I felt that there was something missing, something more that I could offer the world. It was at that point, when I was 18, that I began dating a guy I had known my whole life (and who is now my husband of 25 years). He was going to college, and he was so happy about it. He saw beyond my illness, saw the person I could be, and encouraged me to sober up, get clean, and go back to school. I did stop my drug use, but struggled with my alcoholism for the next 15 years. Keep that in mind! Self medicating is a disaster! Once you are an alcoholic, you are ALWAYS an alcoholic, and I still struggle with that everyday. I've been sober almost 15 years now, so there is hope for everyone.
I went back to college, and discovered that there was life beyond high school. I still struggled with my illness, but I was learning for myself, and not someone else, so I had a sense of control over my destiny. I went into the teaching program, and even made the Dean's list every term. Just after starting college, I saw something that changed my life. An actress named Patty Duke gave an interview on national TV, and discussed her "manic depression" (the old school term for bi-polar disorder). I cried through the whole interview, understanding for the first time, that I wasn't alone! Other people were going through the same things that I was. I went immediately to the mental health clinic, and started treatment. Unfortunately, the drugs available back then, seriously sucked. They were constantly changing my meds, and instead of sticking it out, until I could find ones that worked, I gave up. My parents weren't supportive, I felt hopeless, and I went on to suffer for another 20 years. To this day, giving up on treatment, is the biggest regret of my life.
I went on to have three amazing children, who somehow managed to be wonderful human beings, despite growing up with a mentally ill mother. My fear and embarrassment about my illness grew, since I didn't want people to know that "someone like me" was raising children. Now, I realize how foolish I was, and how going in for treatment would have been the best thing I could have done for my kids. It wasn't until my 40's, when the hormones started acting up again, that I went back to having mixed state bi polar disorder, rather than episodes of mania and depression. It was brutal! It was at that point, that I realized my life was at risk, and sought treatment.
Many people think of mania as just being overly energetic. It's not. It's an anxiety filled state of mental unrest. You might seem happy and productive on the outside, but inside you are a whirling tornado of confusion. Likewise, people think of depression as just being sad. This couldn't be further from the truth! For most of us, suffering from bi-polar disorder, the depression is a combination of anxiety and hopelessness that is worse than physical pain. I had three babies, ranging from 9 lbs to 10 lbs, and the pain of childbirth is nothing compared to the mental pain that can come from depression, or mixed state bi-polar disorder. The pain and hopelessness, and the impact it can have on your life, isn't going to go away, by "thinking positive"! It's an illness like diabetes, or severe asthma, and it is just as life threatening!
If you have a mental illness, or suspect you do, you MUST seek treatment. This isn't something you did to yourself. It's an illness caused by chemical imbalances and electrical impulses. It's not something you chose to have, but it is something you can choose to treat. Not everyone with a mental illness needs medication, but they DO need support. The people around you need to be aware of what you're dealing with, and many times a therapist or a support group is enough to help people cope. In my case, I needed medication, and taking it has changed my life for the better. The best part being, that I now have "normal" dreams, whereas I had spent my whole life having horrible nightmares, and never knowing what restful sleep really was.
Do I still struggle with my illness? Yes, At this point, there is no cure for most mental illness, but there is help, and there is hope. You CAN feel better. There really is a light at the end of the tunnel, so don't give up without seeing it. Remember, the sooner you get help, the less of your life will be spent in pain and confusion. If you have a mental illness, or know someone who does, do the world a favor, and talk about it! Let everyone know that there is no reason for us to be ashamed of our illness, anymore than we would be ashamed of being diabetic. There are people out there who are still alone, who still feel that no one understands what they are going through, who are too afraid to get help. Don't let them spend 40 years, going it alone. If you can't speak out for yourself, then speak out for them Even if you feel the rest of the world doesn't understand, please remember that those of us with mental illness do know what you're going through, and we'll be here for you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
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